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Over the last few days, weeks, months and years I've been reflecting on the word happiness, and what that word means, and looks like for me. In the oxford dictionary happiness is defined as " the state of being happy: feeling or showing pleasure or contentment." FEELING AND SHOWING pleasure and contentment. Feelings and perceptions are ever changing, so did that mean happiness wasn't really a state of being but more a temporary feeling? We as humans tent to chase feelings and pleasure constantly without ever reaching permanent success. For the last 2 months, since our miscarriage, I have felt an overwhelming amount of love from people all around me, I have felt contentment in certain aspects of my life, and I have found pleasure in so many things. On the other hand, I have felt an overwhelming amount of sadness, depression, desperation, and inadequacy, there have been days when even the task of getting out of bed is overwhelming, however I know that these things don't determine true happiness. Happiness isn't about one day, one thought, one hour or even one year. True happiness is about looking forward, hoping and having faith that a time will come when we feel unconditional JOY and it cannot be hindered by the harsh realities of life. True happiness is lasting and cannot be interrupted or forced because true happiness is joy, its a state of being rather than a fleeting feeling. Although my life has not been what I imagined and had hoped for these last few months I feel that I truly am joyful. My joy comes in knowing that Gods plan is bigger and wiser than my own life plan. My joy is internal and a part of my soul. My friend Kristi texted me something that really touched me the other day, she said; "So I just wanted to tell you that. There will be good days and there will be bad days. I found myself feeling guilty when I had a good day, because I should always be sad. And I felt myself feeling guilty for having bad days, because I should be moving on. I wouldn't cut myself slack to "just be" be happy, be sad, be anything. You are ok to "be" whatever you are. You are allowed to have good days. You are allowed to have bad days and you are allowed to feel the affects of this for as long as you need to" In short, its OK to not feel happy all the time, you can feel happy, and you can feel unhappy, buy you can always BE joyful.

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